How To Stalk Your New Roommate In 7 Easy Steps

By Francine Fluetsch on August 15, 2014

This article is brought to you by CORT, a subsidiary of Berkshire-Hathaway and the world’s largest furniture rental and relocation services company. To learn more about how we can help college students like you, click here.

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One of the scariest parts about starting college is getting a random roommate. Sure, you take a compatibility test, but how well do those really work?

You obviously don’t want to go in the first day and know nothing about the person you are going to be sharing a room with, so it’s time to get your stalking skills on. It’s in the name of science! (Um, at least that’s what you can tell the cops if you get caught stalking).

Here are some tips on how to stalk your soon-to-be roomie.

1) Social media:

Once the housing office gives you their first and last name(s), it’s time to pounce. If you’re lucky, their stuff will not be on private, so you can have easy stalking status to see if they are creepy or not.

If it’s on private, don’t fret. You are after all going to be their new roommate, so it’s not weird for you to add them.

Evaluate them as if they were going to be dating your son or daughter (basically be a psycho parent). What are they doing in their pics? Do their friends look nice?

If they are one of those people that doesn’t realize that future bosses will have access to all their Facebook info, then you’ve hit the jackpot. If their Facebook/Insta looks promising, you probably won’t be needing the creepier steps to follow.

Message some of their friends on social media and see if they are a good person. Maybe make a fake account when doing this so your roomie doesn’t get suspicious. You wouldn’t want to look like the creepy one, especially since you are totally normal and only going into stalk mode because you can’t live with some crazy person. Right?

 2) Google them:

Good old Google can hold tons of juicy info for you. As they all say “be careful what you post on the Internet.”

Especially if your roomie isn’t tech savvy, you should be able to get a well-rounded picture of who they are, simply by browsing the web. But if they are good at covering their tracks, resort to step three.

3) Befriend a cop:

Well, if you get friendly with a cop, you can use their top-secret search database thingy to look up some dirt on your roommate. No one said it would be easy, but you want to know who you’re going to be dealing with right?

Connections get you places, and since you might not have enough time to befriend a cop well enough, ask around and see if any of your friends have cops in the family or have connections.

4) Hack their phone:

Okay you need to know what they’ve got on there. If you don’t have the skills to hack a phone, find someone who will.

Based on what I’ve seen on Pretty Little Liars, you may need to actually obtain the roommates’ phone, which may be tricky but I have faith in you.

5) Drive by their house:

If you live pretty close to your soon-to-be roomie, take a drive by to their house and camp out in the bushes. While you’re there, you might as well attach a tracker to their car; you can never be too careful right?

And maybe invest in some mini cameras so you can watch their sleeping habits, so, like, you can make sure they won’t be keeping you up and stuff.

6) Text them, a lot:

As you find out info, text them general, friendly questions that you already know the answers to and see if they tell you the truth. Liars are the worst, and this way you can make sure you’ll be living with an honest person, since you yourself obviously are one.

Don’t get too obvious or else they might catch on and think you are weird, and then you’ll have to stalk a whole new roommate and all your efforts will have gone to waste.

7) Get a stalker’s help:

No one stalks better than an actual stalker. You know that guy who has been stalking you throughout high school? I think it’s time the two of you become friends. He’s an expert so he probs has a bunch of great advice. And once he sees you’re a stalker too, he’ll realize that he can’t stalk you anymore, so it’s a win win.

As you can see, you have nothing to worry about. By the time you move in, you’ll know everything and anything there is to know about your new roommate, so you’ll go in totally prepared. Just make sure no one ever finds out what you were up to, and try and play it cool around your roommate if you learned anything too personal.

Happy stalking!

*Note: This author is not responsible for any misuse of the steps that result in restraining orders or dealing with the police. This is a reminder to stalk carefully.

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